Monday, August 21, 2006

Almost got into a punch up!!

Some people have been bitching and moaning, saying that i haven't updated my blog and that i'm not consistant, and that i'm a lazy bastard - well guess what? I AM A LAZY DRUNK BASTARD YOU COCKS! However, i do apologize for the extremely stale content: my first week in Bali has took a toll on my ability to write (not that i have any at all to begin with) what with all the $1.50 beers. Well here you go folks - an update from me to you (especailly you Totem you pua puki).

This particular entry is quite an interesting one, cos i almost got into a punch up with a psyhotic local.

On my third day in Bali, i decided to chill out by the remote beaches of Belangan (southern tip of Bali and extremely beautiful). It was a contrast to the crowded beaches of Kuta, and Suzie took the opportunity to sunbathe topless - i wasn't to pleased but didn't really voice my concerns. Instead, i decided to feast my eyes on other topless chicks. Unfortunately, to my dismay, all i saw were mammaries that resembled preserved whole papayas - not very refreshing i must say.

Anyway back to the story. I was walking back to my vehicle (see pic of my trusty steed - eat your heart out Chop Shop Cock, you know who you are. At least i get to ride along the beach during sunset with a beer in the basket, so screw your harley) at the end of the day, tanked up with beer, stumbling slightly, and very grumpy after all the visual display of rotting fruits on the beach. As i was walking, this muthafucka eyeballed me with a "fuck-you-dickhead" kinda look.

Obviously, i was ticked off. He then proceeded to make a little noise, as if mumbling under his breath. That was the breaking point for me - i turned around and hurled vulgarities. "Fuck you pussy asshole" to be precise. The dude went ballistic and lunged towards me with full force.

Then i noticed the strangest thing: the muthafucka was chained to a tree like some wild animal. WTF right??!

But being the composed person that i am, i realized that i am on a bloody holiday and it's really gonna be a pain in the Ahole explaining to the cops that i beat a guy up while he was tied to a tree, or worse, if i had to spend the rest of the trip nursing a bitten ear. I walked. I was the bigger person that day (although i'm certain i could have taken him down).

But even in my drunk state, i still managed to capture a shot of the mad fuck:

I so promise that the next entry will be something of more substance.

Love Always
Kuta Crusader

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Bali At Last

Finally the Cru has come back to Bali! Ok that was lame. The journey to Bali was shit from the start. First off i had to deal with the weight of my luggage, i mean check this shit out: -

Fucking dive equipment is the bulk of it. I started out wanting to look bohemian, but ended up looking like a complete prick.

I made the mistake of booking Jetstar Asia, which had an annorexic weight limit for baggage. I ended up footing SGD70 for execess.

And it's not like they made it up with good service while you're on the bloody plane. Goddamned air stewerdesses were the rudest bitches around. And it the flight itself wasn't any better. The damn plane was rattling like a bitch: at one point i thought the fuckin plane was gonnna burst into flames. And there was this spastic asshole sitting diagonally in front of me that couldn't stop rubbing his fuckin foot - to make things worse it had a strange smell which reminded me of belachan. KNNBCCB.

Never again. Jetstar - YOU SUCK worse than a 60 year old man!

When i touched down, i headed straight for Kuta, to my favorite hotel, Fat Yogi's. To my fuckin dismay they were fully booked. I had to lug my shit to Seminyak and settle for a shitty hotel to say the least. I am fine with a bare room, just as long as it's clean. But this mutha was infested with dust, critters and moss. The bathroom was revolting - the floor was slimy and the red and blue taps both generated icy cold water which freezed my nipples bad.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, there was bloody roadworks outside my room till 4am in the morning. Poor Suzie didn't sleep a wink.

I've shifted out since and am happy(ier).

Other than drinking and vegetating, i haven't been up to much since i touched down. But i have a feeling that it's going to get really dirty and rough the next few days.

Signing off for now,

Kuta Crusader.

Top Ten Reasons Why A Real Woman Is Better Than A Blowup

I've been getting shit about being an anti-feminist for posting shit about a doll being better than a woman. Looks like there are people who are more bored than me. But the people who know me better will scoff at these idiots - they know that i realish meat as much as i do rubber.

So here's the top ten list of why meat is better than rubber: -

10. They say your name or call you daddy (although I’m sure you can find something on that does that)

9. Somehow, walking down the street with a hot woman is seen as cool, but not a blowup

8. Natural lubricants don’t cost a dime

7. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, THEY pay for dinner

6. With the ability of grip, women offer more variety of sexual activities

5. Okok, a woman can really melt your heart and set your senses on fire

4. Their breasts do not become smaller when they run out of air

3. Women cook (although I have to say that I cook better than them…I fuck you not)

2. Tongues are nice

1. You don’t have to blow a woman, they’ll blow you

Friday, August 11, 2006

My Weapon Against Blog Threats

Recently, i've been getting people who've been posting shit about the blog and about me, which is pretty cool considering i'm only onto my third blog entry. I welcome constructive negative comments and even the occasional senseless spiteful spits on the face, but it'll be nice if i know whose meat i have up my arse when i'm getting pounded sweetly.

I'm afraid Jane and John Does piss me off with their half baked pussy cyber-gangsterism tactics. Actually there's this one particular guy who posted comments like, "get a wife" and also called me cheesy and claims he has his dick stuck in my this badass scares the fuckin daylights out of me.

My friends warned me that i shouldn't be as dumb as to put my real picture on the blog, and that these people might be burly psycho killers frothing for virginal blood (i seems to attract these types) instead of mere cyber geeks who knock it out to japanese anime and think a clit lies deep within a woman's heart.

I agree.

So i went for a hair cut and radically changed my appearance with extreme facial modifications. It was a painfully imaginative and extremely costly process. But like they say - safety first.

I present the new me: -

Have a nice fuckin day,

Kuta Crusader.

Destination Bali - 4 Days to go

Friday, August 04, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Why A Blowup Is Better Than A Real Woman

10. She don’t talk back

9. Her longing stare is perpetual

8. Fits well in a car boot during long drives

7. What foreplay?

6. It doesn’t take a dinner and dance to warm her up

5. She looks as good in the morning as she did when you were arsed drunk the previous night

4. You don’t have to fuck your dreams and hopes over to please a blowup

3. If your mother and your blowup both fall off a boat, it doesn't take long to decide who to save first

2. Pricks deflate her ego

1. When you’re done and dirty with a blowup, you still get to keep your money

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Say hi to Suzie y'all

There she is in all her glory - my blowup beauty. Because i'm going to Bali for two months, it was imperative that i found the perfect person to go with me.

Call me sexist but Suzie Q hasn't once mouthed off at me, and she's as accomodating as a potted plant. Sure i may be bored with her at times, but hey, at least she's cool with whatever i do.

So, why am i going to Bali for two months with a blowup doll? I've basically had just about enough of the strangling lifestyle that i've been living in Singapore. Work, stress, bills, rules, managing expectations, meeting expectations - fuck that all. I'm fucking off, and finding out who i truly am again.

I could go on forever about my life prior to my current status - but i won't. Lets just say i find few things more satisfying than sipping Bintang Beer at 8.30am by a beach in beautiful Bali.

What's the plan when i touch down in Bali you ask? (i'm just going to presume you did) Bear with me on this: -

Besides being a personal trip to save myself from the clutches of societal expectations as a Singaporean, i also intend to blog my 2 month journey in Bali and hope to raise awareness of safe sex in the process.

"According to an Indonesian Ministry of Health report at the end of 1992, 83 people in the country tested HIV-positive that year, a number that doubled the previous year's figure. Most of the officially reported cases came from Bali, Jakarta and Java, areas with large tourist trades. Experts feel that the number of reported cases is far lower than the reality due to a serious lack of testing and reporting, among other reasons. Accurate reporting is also hindered by the tendency of government and corporate interests to hide the extent of the problem, lest it dampen enthusiasm for tourism."

Suzie Q will be riding with me on my motorbike when i'm in Bali, and will basically be my companion for the two months when I'm there: my drinking buddy, my shopping sidekick, my disco partner, my sunbathing soulmate.

I will be getting hot and sexy (hopefully bothered) tourists and locals to pose with Suzie Q and create a photo series and a quick interview poll which includes: -

- What's your perception of the risk of HIV/AIDS in Bali?
- Would you have sex without protection in Bali?
- Who do you think carries a bigger risk of HIV/AIDS, tourists or locals?

I can't wait to piss off, delight, turn off, turn on, induce vomit, induce anger, induce horny and rude behaviour from random tourists and locals. I honestly don't know what's going to happen, and frankly, i don't care. But i just hope for Suzie's sake, that we will make some sort of difference in Bali while we're there.

Au Revoir for now. Suzie beckons.

Kuta Crusader.